I had just taken a shot of Jameson’s with new friends when a white woman came up to me. “I love your hair,” she proclaimed.
The woman and I started talking about hair. She was desperate for a change. Her hair was thin and had no body. She was near tears. “I just see these women with great hair and it hurts my feelings, you know?” She was drunk, but her pain was genuine. She suffered years and years of having not-great hair.
She continued: “And I told my boyfriend I wanted to cut it all off, but he told me if I did, he wouldn’t have a girlfriend anymore.”
Everything inside me went very still.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked her.
“You know, I’m 37, and he’s in his late 40s, and…I’m a grown woman! I don’t know why he would stop me from changing my hair!”
I immediately felt irritated with her boyfriend. Who was he to threaten this woman? And I wish she would grow up and do what she felt like doing. After all, she was a grown woman. Why would she allow herself to be controlled by someone else’s desires?!?!
I started to think, “well, if she was a black woman, she wouldn’t let ANYBODY tell her what to do.”
But that isn’t true at all, is it? Yesterday the internet was stunned to realize that a black woman was making 300 different sandwiches for a white man in order to get an engagement ring.
If she wants to make 300 sandwiches to show her love, then she should do it. The problem is that he told her, “Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!” Forcing a woman to make you 300 DIFFERENT TYPES OF SANDWICHES just so you can propose is not cool. It’s not loving.
The men in these circumstances are taking advantage of how much the women in their lives love them. A woman is unhappy with the way she looks, but she is staying that way because she loves her boyfriend so much she doesn’t want to lose him. And in the second instance, this man knows that this woman wants to get married, he doesn’t seem ready to get married right now, so he’s given her a concrete task that she can focus on until he’s ready. In a recent post, he clarified, “no sandwiches at all are required for me to marry you and never have been. I already love you and always will.” http://nypost.com/2013/09/26/its-a-blog-not-a-wich-hunt/. She seems happy with their arrangement.
The rest of the internet is like:
A loving gesture doesn’t come from a threat–even one that initially seems “lighthearted”. It comes from a genuine desire to see your loved one happy. I will cut my hair if I want to. I will happily cook for a man because I want to–not because he demands it of me.
Whoo, Lord forgive me, but he would be THE HUNGRIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET after a threat like that.
But on the bright side, now we all have recipes to really great sandwiches.