In 8th grade fashion, one of my friends told me that one of her friends has a crush on me. I appreciated the compliment and was so surprised by this that I laughed out loud.
I spend so much of my time running from crisis to crisis that I stopped thinking about dating. I moved to a space where I worry about my level of intelligence more than I do my beauty. I look at my body as a vehicle for me to do more work–not as an object of desire.
I love both Knowles sisters, but right now I’m a bit more Solange and less Beyonce. I’ve always thought Solange did her own thing w/ regards to fashion while Beyonce is beholden to a particular standard of beauty. S. seems to dress for herself; B. for audience members and the male gaze.
I am taken aback at any sign at at all that a man might be interested in me. When I meet a man, I am genuinely interested in who he is and what he does, not in whether or not we will ever date.
I think I stopped living in the “what will be” and started living in the present moment.
Because who has the time to worry about whether or not a man is going to call you? Or what his text meant? Or when he’s going to ask you out? Who has the time to worry about super high heels and hair + makeup that looks just right and if he’ll like it? Who has the time to panic about which date you’ll be on this upcoming weekend?
I don’t. I don’t have time for the games. I don’t have time to wonder about whether or not he’s being honest with me, or what I’m going to do when I get a job somewhere far away from here, and whether or not Skype-dates will cut it.
So I dress in a way I think pleases God, and also makes me happy. I don’t try to make myself seem any less smart to make a man feel better, nor do I flaunt my intelligence to chase men away. I just…am, and I believe that I’m enough.
The culture in which I live demands that I worry about all of this stuff. It wants me to believe that who I am is not good enough for a man.
But when I worry about those things, it takes my attention off of everything else God wants me to do with my time. When I buy into the injurious myth that I am not good enough, I insult God’s creation, as well as Jesus’ work on the cross.
I stopped doing things to get a man’s attention and started doing things to please God.
If we all just were the men and women that God wanted us to be, without any concern about the people around us, I am sure that we would be able to accomplish mighty things for Him. When I do fall in love, I want it to be with a man who is real with me. So in the meantime, I practice being my authentic self for everybody, even if that means not being liked.
In other words, Imma do me.