i ditched my cell phone and social media, but kept my high heels, red lipstick + this blog.
because, you know…i woke up like this, i woke up like this. #flawless
real talk though: i struggle with vulnerability. every time i encountered an emotion i didn’t like, i would click on facebook, and scroll through the highlights of my life, or look at the lives others constructed for public consumption. i would read through stupid articles. watch vine. i would bury my true emotions. i replaced what i was feeling with superficial knowledge, new interests, random goals.
when it was time for me to articulate how i was feeling to others, i always found myself at a loss for words. in uncomfortable moments, where i needed my courage to speak the truth, i would crawl back into myself like a little girl with no speech. it turned out that i could speak my mind more easily as a girl of 5, a young adult of 18, but not as a grown, 29 year old woman.
i am a part of a long lineage of black women who have always spoken their minds, with little fear of consequences. i wasn’t able to meet my maternal grandmother; i only hear that she was wealthy, beautiful, and an amazing chef. i’d like to imagine that she was like my mother: well dressed, fearless and always ready to speak, though fully aware of the power of silence. i want to cultivate the power that is my birthright.
but before i can do all that–before i can once again learn how to articulate what it is i want, and who i am, i have to learn how to feel everything it is i am feeling. i have to accept and embrace my complexity. and i have to be silent + sit with God for a better understanding of who I am.
i didn’t want to spend the last year of my twenties watching other people live their lives. i want to learn how to have adventures, even when i am stuck inside with a flat tire and a snowstorm. i want to once again learn what it is that makes me interesting.
i love Sula, who “lived out her days exploring her own thoughts and emotions, giving them full reign, feeling no obligation to please anybody unless their pleasure pleased her. …[H]ers was an experimental life…“–Sula, Toni Morrison, page 118.
my life has the potential to be amazing. i have the potential to be great.
i’m preparing for whatever is next. and i’m so excited to share this adventure with you all. i will continue to update this blog. writing is the means by which i make sense of my life and this world.